The Three Musketeers

When did you imprint on this story? Do you have a favorite film version? I am positive it will NOT be this one! This pathetic waste of disposable income has only a nodding acquaintance with the classic swashbuckler by Alexandre Dumas. Okay, okay, their names, their king's name and their plumed hats...but that's IT!

The sad thing is, each actor in this excellent cast can point with pride to a far superior film; in fact, just to be mean, I will cite at least one good project beside each person's name...to his everlasting shame! I feel spiteful because I deliberately overlooked this would-be comedy's bad reviews and paid to see some of my favorites:
  • Matthew Macfadyen ("Pillars of the Earth") is Athos, who has become a broken-hearted, broken-down booze hound.
  • Luke Evans ("Robin Hood") is Aramis, seriously considering renewing his vows and returning to the Church.
  • Ray Stevenson ("Rome") is Porthos, reduced to living off his many lady friends.
  • Logan Lerman ("3:10 to Yuma") is D'Artagnan, rambunctious and foolish.
  • Orlando Bloom ("Troy") is the Duke of Buckingham, a sworn enemy of King Louis, whom our Musketeers are sworn to defend.
  • Mads Mikkelsen ("Casino Royale") is Rochefort, who owes an apology to D'Artagnon's horse.
  • Christoph Waltz (Academy Award for "Inglorious Basterds") is Richelieu, intent on gaining full control of the throne.
  • Freddie Fox (lots of TV) is King Louis XIII of France, a twit terrified that he will be caught wearing a color that has gone out of style.
Flying airships and Gatling guns, absurd sword fights and overuse of C.G.I., plus anachronistic humor, e.g., D'Artagnon gets a ticket from a gendarme for failure to clean up after his horse, when it poops on the street...in 1626! C'mon...Poop jokes to spice up a PG-13 movie!

Had enough? Me too!
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Here is a link to a trailer:
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